Saturday, February 22, 2014

I mean, seriously ........

I am not sure anyone has noticed, or even researched this.

I mean, shame on  Science Daily, Medscape and similar serious types. 

But there  is clearly a connection with things becoming suddenly serious, folks trying random solutions, and Global Warming.

Just when i was getting serious about this, I did come across this paper published in the Annals of Serious Stuff:

"An analysis of Item Number performances by Endorphins  when faced  with  insoluble problems  and the subsequent reactions of the Amygdala-in-law :  a Five Star sweet study."

I mean , election year is very serious stuff.  Sense often goes off for a toss.   We have grown men, fighting for pieces of paper in Parliament,  punching other serious folks, while some hyper types simply keep running to the well of the house in desperation, in answer to eye signals from some other serious types.

Very clearly, a rap on the knuckles is not the solution.  Neither is a high pitched voice urging folks to sit down.  Some think a glare might turn errant types into mush.  It doesn't.  

It needs Out of the House Cadburized solutions.  Subsidized Five Star Chocolates for all MP's.  Excessive shouting and fights, and the Speaker presses a lever, and chocolates spring up at all desks, and the Endorphinal Drool factor takes over.  The ravaging of the wrapper, the first look, the political neurons going "Aiiyo" in the brain,  and a gradual quietening of voices , as the sweet chocolate solutions make the endorphinas go "Ta Thaiyya ".  

For the rest , it is easy. We have elected folks who do fisticuffs,  who nod away to sleep due to possibly political hypoglycemia, or excessive financial hyperglycemia , and some who even take off their shirts to display their absolutely nonexistent abs. These are rudderless folks. Possibly undergoing a second childhood. They need a serious objective to work towards. As befits their exalted status. Like say, Five star.

Like any serious party would announce  today "No wrapper will be left wrapped, unless we have covered all the members of this august house.".      

Like Global warming, which is universally accused of raising tempers in the above mentioned paper, this solution is also universalApplies across ages.

The solution is also a stress buster , as one learns from children.

Like a little girl of 5, who then, 20 years ago, went to Germany with her family, completely oblivious of the land and its language. While her folks were stressed initially over the new language, formal customs,  etc, she went headlong into things. The solution was discovered when her mother went to make her bed, and found chocolate wrappers daily under her pillow.  Clearly , she didn't know about the endorphins, but she didn't know the spelling of SERIOUS either.  It also gave her lots of energy to fight a hefty classmate who threatened all the girls in kindergaarten and hogged the swing.

The same girl , recently got married. As you know, marriages in India , are serious stuff.  At least for those directly involved and their families.  Hundreds of guests, thousands of scrutinizing eyes.  Some that bore deep, despite cataract vision, observing the adornments et al.   An early departure to the wedding venue, and her mother, clearing stuff in the afternoon, and wondering why the daughter didn't appear to eat anything in the morning, suddenly comes across a half finished gift pack of 5 star chocolates behind a laptop. 

Clearly, the stress busting continues. Seriously and Successfully.

Serious conditions, clearly being alleviated by the national chocolate solution.   And it holds for quadrupeds too. Bovine visitors, original residents of the area where the aforesaid girl got married, clearly smelled the chocolate, despite the non existent fodder, due to certain scams.  They were observed, ambling over to an area near the wedding venue, viewing the bride, and snorting in best political style, to the immense delight of all the little kids present.

And like so many things, that have become acceptable  today, by virtue of they being excellent life solutions ,  we see this demolition of seriousness all around us.  Unlike demolitions by the Mumbai Municipal authorities which are bitter and traumatic,  these are sophisticated five star demolitions with no collateral damage.  If life was a street,  some would have insisted on naming a Five Star Chowk. (Garden maintained by Cadbury).

Like what happened at the evening wedding reception of the aforementioned girl. 

Serious lights, serious photographers, serious poses, a stream of serious folks ambling across the stage wishing the girl and her family.  And suddenly, there is a vision in white, that darts in, plonks herself between the couple, and envelopes the couple in a hug, decrying all the seriousness and generates one of the best five star chocolate photos of the day. Much like a rich cream sitting comfortably between two layers of chocolates, sometimes even emerging to cover them.

Many smiles. Many more grins, And some hearty laughs. 

I am serious. About chocolate.  I mean, I know Global Warming, and papers being published regarding item numbers and endorphins, and step-amygdalas instigated by stuffy hippocampuses. Or is it Hippocampi ?  Who cares ?

You don't need to agonize over  spellings, and weird names.

 Don't be serious. Just enjoy a   Cadbury Five Star

And remember it's spelling.  So you can write about it. 

And find solutions for the Nation.

P. S. A five star thought just occurred in my short term memory.   A serious thought. About a lifetime supply of the aforementioned chocolate, for the aforementioned girl.  

Just saying....      

Tuesday, February 04, 2014

Big Boss, reloaded.....

 Police joining Politics , Politicians acting like Police,  hitherto low lying neta folks indulging in fodderless chewing of the cud , as they plot Telanganic liasons of the splitting kind;   these are clearly exciting times,  with the public watching and reading meanings into actions and words of those who purport to lead us.

A bit like being under the scrutiny of the nation , on television,  and indulging in crises after crises.

I thought this was a bit like Big Boss.  Except that in this case, everyone inside the national house was individually a Big Boss.

And thought that it was time to repost something I wrote in 2010.   Four years down the line , nothing much has changed.

 Big Boss in the Service of the Nation....

It has occurred to me, an ordinary commoner, disgusted with the handling of corruption in the country, that some innovative solutions need to be looked at. And not all of the solutions, can be found in things like retired justices of Supreme Courts/High Courts, Joint Parliamentary Committees, Interlocutors etc etc.

It has also occurred to me, a stupid commoner, that the best way to nab a corrupt person, is to set another person with corrupt tendencies to catch him/her. Which should make for a very very interesting show given the rules.

The thing to do is to announce a special Bigg Boss season immediately. The rules of the Bigg Boss show allow a special house with many rooms to sit around and yak away, but just very few bedrooms and bathrooms. The rule says you must speak in Hindi, which throws up very interesting possibilities of candidate selection. Since you are not allowed to leave for any reason, and maintain outside contact, this will be more secure than those who sit in various different custodies of the law , police,judicial etc etc. And the best part, is that someone like the High Command, hitherto called the Bigg Boss, appears only as a voice that does individual interviews , asks for opinions , and finally issues its own edicts about who to throw out.

Main contenders for entry into the house would be Suresh Kalmadi, Sheila Dikshit, Sudhhanshu Mittal, Lalu Prasad Yadav, A. Raja of the DMK, Mayawati, Ashok Chavan, his ma-in-law (who he deleted as a relative), Raj Thakre, Jayalalithaa, Uddhav Thakre, Vilasrao Deshmukh, Ex Mumbai commissioner Jairaj Phatak, Sushama Swaraj. Various mothers-in-law, daughters , sons, can be added on later as and how required.

While the insistence on Hindi in the Big Boss house constructed in Panvel, Maharashtra, would make for interesting events with the Thakres inside, It will be interesting to see Kalmadi and Lalu bonding over crunches at the gym inside, with A Raja, urging Jayalailthaa to try the treadmill , and she giving him a distrustful look and checking out the speed setting.

Bathrooms, as per slightly older political history have often served as places to store the loot in secret compartments in the walls. Given the paucity of bathrooms in the Bigg Boss house, interesting conclusions can be reached by timing everyone's usage of the same, and the conditions of the walls.

While Sheila Dikshit, Sushama Swaraj, might bond at the kitchen counter , it would be interesting to see if Mayawati agrees to the Manuvadi idlis that JayaLalithaa might prepare. A Raja, uncharacteristically , a bit careful after his resignation, might watch Mayawati for any ill effects of the idli, before trying some himself, simply out of a sense of homesickness, though the possibilities of him enjoying Lucknow cuisine with Sheila Dikshit cannot be denied.

Lalu will be found sitting out in the sunniest part of the house, bare chested , feet up, on a chair, chewing away on his thoughts, as he tries to impress upon Suresh Kalmadi the need to include his son and heir Tejaswi Yadav in the Indian Olympic Committee, so he can learn from the bosses. Every time one of the Thakres ambles by , he will smile and wave, while spouting invective about communal forces. Ashok Chavan's mother-in-law will try and inch closer to Sudhanshu Mittal , thinking that only a tent supplier can now provide her a roof over her head, so cruelly denied to her , by fellows like Vilasrao Deshmukh, out to get her son-in-law, Ashok.

Since no outside contact is allowed, it will illuminating to see how the inmates appear to outsiders watching the serial. Possibilities of hundreds of Bihar and UP politicians watching for secret signs from their leaders cannot be denied. Something like, a scratching of the knee and spitting to the right by Lalu Prasad being a sign that folks needed to look in the lowest shelf of the cupboard to the right of the party office door in Patna. Or Kalmadi , waving his hands around to signify a helicopter, something to be kept ready for escape once he is out. A Raja, depressed at being away from his Relia-ble cronies, will be seen ensconced in a deep sofa, as if twice the gravitational force , 2G was in operation, and wondering if he got out just in time before 3G started acting.

Raj Thakre will practice his speeches in Marathi, with only Uddhav , Kalmadi, Ashok Chavan, Vilasrao Deshmukh and Jairaj Phatak for audience, since the rest won't understand. Mayawati will try and attend , in her effort to learn Marathi , and woo the Marathi Manoos in the next election.

The Big Boss , will actually be a lady. Aloof, up there, and with informers amongst the inmates. She will interview each inmate to get his or her opinion about the others, so that they can decide who and how many to evict. At the end of the day, she will listen to her "own conscience", pull some wool over her own eyes, and reach her conclusions with the help of her son, who has sneaked in as part of her security.

The nice thing is that all the hitherto corrupt types will be together in custody , keeping a keen eye on each other, and watched at all times by the nation, in the Bigg Boss house. They will eventually expose each other. And instead of spending on the various committees & investigations, you will actually have sponsors falling over each other to pay for this broadcast. As Obama is fond of saying, a win-win solution.

In the meanwhile, latest reports have indicated that Pamela Anderson of Hollywood and Baywatch fame, (where she does a 100 metre sprint into the ocean clad in a swimsuit of uneven proportions, chased by lifeguards) , was seen entering Bigg Boss house .

Sushama Swaraj was seen pursing her lips and shaking her head, Sheila Dikshit closed her eyes, Mayawati stood still as a statue, and while Lalu, Raja, the Thakres, the ex chief ministers, Suddhnashu Mittal, and the ex mumbai commisioner stood open mouthed and staring, Jayalalithaa was seen removing her voluminous cape, and rushing to cover Pamela Anderson with it.....

Further news is awaited...

Edited to add : I dont watch this show, and have simply observed it in the process of surfing channels. But Wikipedia mentions all the rules. While the recent government (nov 17th) rule about not broadcasting it in prime time, and relegating it to 11 pm slots is very welcome, in the above situation, it will simply serve to keep all the worthies out of public view : a typical quick way to get the stuff out of the public's what's new ...?