Wednesday, April 27, 2011

HR Management at the THREAT Institute

It was inevitable that this would happen.

The Tihar Human Resources Entrepreneurship And Training Institute, otherwise known as THREAT, is now in the headlines.

Currently in the news for some high profile "recruitment" , it was clearly a matter of time before this became a reality. Tens of thousands of residents, in a place meant of half as many, and there are now plans of considerable expansions to the premises.

Starting with the gates. Some Pawarful types came asking if we meant Bill and Melinda and we had to quickly refute that....

Given the questionable , but nevertheless considerable eminence of those now entering it, manifested by the huge posse of security and police that accompany such an entry, walking into the complex, it has been decided that either a subway, or a flyover will be constructed for entry into Tihar Jail ; pardon me, the THREAT Institute.

New entrants will now be driven straight to the big gates, which are being fitted with automatic gate opening hardware. Cars carrying the people will have wireless contraptions that will activate the gate openers. Rumors circulating indicate that free donation and installation of these contraptions is a quid pro quid between the rulers and the convicted, in exchange for higher star facilities for certain Reliable folks resident therein.

Since the Institute already has a well organized and income earning mechanical workshop, as well as a computer section manned by the ill advised, wayward offsprings of political heavyweights, it was recommended that the recent entrants be directed to other departments, some of which , do not exist.

Mr KingRaja , of telecom fame, is considered the front runner for the new Call Centre to be set up in the THREAT Institute premises. Given the spate of murders and killings arising out of lone employees returning home, being at the mercy of evil minded office transport personnel, this call centre is supposed to be do away with the entire concept of employee transport, since everyone lives in the Institute premises.

Of course , with the expertise of Mr Balwa-nt, and Mr Joke Goenka in creating star facility hotels, on land which doesn't belong to them, they will be entrusted with the setting up of the Department of Expansion.

The THREAT Institute has immense land and even more immense manpower, and they will be entrusted with preparing the plans for converting THREAT Institute into a model educational set up, where facilities for training of women and men, in the hospitality, accounting, managerial, and security functions will be set up. A school for children , who currently reside in the Institute for no fault of theirs is also in the plans.

It is noted with great pleasure that the sports loving folks at the Institute are excited over the recent arrival of the Indian Overspending Committee Chairman Mr Kuresh Dalbati. Always aware of the fine nuances of being a reluctant celebrity, and in keeping with all the pain, great folks like George Bush, Putin etc , that have gone through this, it is widely believed that he encouraged , for some consideration , of course, a willing gent to fling a chappal at him as he bravely walked to the Institute doors with all his X-Y-Z security posse.

Mr Dalbati is expected to be saddled with the responsibility of constructing the sports complex of the Institute. Currently there is only a Yoga Hall, and a Table Tennis facility.

It is considered very inconvenient that only 2 people on one side can play table tennis doubles. It is expected, that Mr Dalbati with his wide contacts in the sports control bodies across the world, can effect a change in the table tennis rules, that allow a huge team to take turns in twos, playing on one side, in a single game. Nothing short of revolutionary.

Of course, he has tough competition from a Badminton gent, who is also there with him, possibly because he got very creative with shuttles, rackets, and scoring stuff. Mr O. K. Vermi(n), erstwhile Badminton Boss of India, has been insisting on building Badminton courts inside the THREAT Institute, but they will wait till the skirt controversy is solved, as there is an uncle's son-in-law in the garment manufacturing business. I guess old habits die hard.

There has been some concern ,voiced over what kind of security systems the THREAT Institute will have, in addition to the guards at the entrance, and maybe in the watch towers. But here again, an ex IPS officer, who actually is serving a life term for killing a lady journalist, came to the rescue, after much cajoling, Sharmaa-Sharmaa ke.....

And then of course , they have heard that Virendra Sehwag and Murli Kartik came to visit the Tihar Jail , and now everyone wants to have a THREAT Institute IPL5 team. This wish has been considerably bolstered by the fact that according to the latest from the Entry register, a Reliance head has taken up residence inside the THREAT Institute, and the inmates now feel they can have a proper team (a la Mumbai Indians) with a striped uniform in black and white. Suggestions for names for the IPL team, were requested, and the winning entry was the Supreme Court Sixers.

So we are all set now . The THREAT Institute will now be a reality, the world's first example of how a democracy organizes its Human Resources, which are, to put it succinctly, captive.

A question about forming the Governing Council of the Institute did arise, and someone wanted to ask it in Parliament; but given that one political party or the other keeps stalling proceedings, it was decided to wait, till some new inmates arrive at the THREAT Institute campus. Those with outside senior corporate experience, may be co-opted on to the council.

We await further details.

But Wait.

There is Breaking News.

Funjay Dutt, (no connection with Barkha Dutt), has just announced a film called Kyun Ji, 2G, Suno Ji, 3G (KJ2GSJ3G), starring various children of politicians, beginning with the letter K.

In the meanwhile, Seedha Aadmi Productions has commisioned Karan Johar to produce a film called "Kaha Gaye Woh Din ?", and he was last seen , drowning his sorrow, in a cup of coffee, shaking his head, and saying , "Laapata, Laapata !".....


  1. Too good - i shared it on FB for my friends too!

  2. Excellent - a nice way to look at the present sordid state of affairs.

  3. Awesome is the word!!!! Loved it!!!

  4. the whole thing is a tight slap on the face of everyone! as it's said, corruption is like a cancer! soon enough, there will be so many facilities available in the jail that minister will no longer be scared to commit crime and get caught! their family will have fun with money outside and they will have fun in Tihar Palace!

  5. I had this lovely chat with a person a Indian guy who was found guilty of fraud and sentenced to a few years of jail, to cut the story short i asked him did he not feel ashamed that he was in jail and all, his relatives and all did then not feel angry with him.. his reply to me was , It was only 5 years of jail and then too after a few months on good behaviour he cud come home on a friday till monday morning and then other holidays too..

    BUt imagine after the jail time he would be loaded he had frauded around 60million pounds, his words were he is made.. his next generation is made.. his relatives are rather better friends now cause he has the money and they know they might get some .. Also who remembers about such things after a few months, people who knew about fraud did not care, and those who did not know how he got the money thought he was successful bussiness man..

    This is the mentality :) and even I think that maybe If I get a chance to make a hundred million no harm in staying in a jail for a few years.. no one cares as such these jails are safer then outside. higher chance of a accident, or being shot or anything no such problem in a jail .. :)


  6. People have said it already. Loved reading this :)