They taught us parts of the respiratory system in class six. And I had nothing but the greatest admiration for the poetic rhyming tendencies of the guy who decided to name the Larynx (voice box) and Pharynx (gullet/neck part of digestive tube).
The larynx engineering was a bit beyond me, but for many years after that , our family doctor always ended up hearing how my pharynx was inflamed, while ordinary folks cribbed to him about sore throats, and infections.
Then I found out that doctors have a different way of expressing things. Preferably in illegible style, and in desperate abbreviations, inspired , possibly from Latin, which , clearly, is not part of the medical curriculum.
I've mixed up FUO(fever of unidentified origin) with UFO(Unidentified flying object), and UID (Unique Identification numer) with IUD(Intrauterine device), and wondered why the nurse read something-something STAT and promptly gave me an immediate oral injection dose of vit D3, when I was kind of actually mobilizing to face a deep poke with a needle in the arm.
Having said that, I can see how one can apply these secret words in daily life.
Like, say, (possibly tongue in cheek, or , as they say, "glossal" movement in the "mala" ) a doctor mother , seeing off her doctor daughter on her first day of her first job might say :
Coffee ad lib , agit aq ft, cf b.i.d
Wash e.m.p. ex aq, B.S.A, a.l., a.s., a.u., o.d, o.s., o.u., ft soap emuls., NPO, NTE 10 minutes, rep.
Use coffee freely, mix in water, and make coffee, twice a day. A morning bowel movement recommended.
Wash as directed with water, body surface area, left ear, right ear, then both ears, left eye, right eye, both eyes, make a soap emulsion, nothing by mouth (don't swallow), not to exceed 10 minutes. Repeat.
Use powder makeup freely (as much as you want) . If no known allergies, apply a spray perfume , as needed. Chewing Gum, by mouth, not to exceed 4.
Apply drops in both ears.
If there is a need for cash, use sufficient quantity, dispense , as directed.
Sometimes use your judgement ! (Exclamations mine. I don't think doctors do exclamation marks)
If you thought that was difficult, wait till you see what an MRI report of a certain Mr Suresh Kalmadi indicated. He , the Chairman of the Commonwealth Games Org Committee, is currently in jail on corruption scam charges, and consequent to feeling dizzy after several tete a tete's with the chief jailor, was sent to hospital for an MRI scan of his brain, with several folks talking about Dementia.
Which is a very creative thing to do.
Earlier our politicians took recourse to chest pain, uneasiness, breathlessness, and got themselves admitted to ICCU's, complete with their security apparatus.
In these e-days, when a scam is not a scam unless it is in thousands of crores, it is in the fitness of things that we talk about MRI scans instead. That' s like a step up. ( You need to keep still and unmoving as the scan proceeds. I should know. I had one done and wrote a post, " MRI Rock, " about it . And possibly, if you move even a bit , the picture could be conveniently misleading).
His report says. :
......he is suffering from 'diffused cerebral atrophy with old ischemic changes in brain parenchyma with calcified granuloma in caudothalamic groove on left side (of his brain)'..... This is like describing the Mumbai roads MRI scan and saying :
.... the road is suffering from diffused unidentified potholes, with old plumbing related age-related problems with the road body (parenchyma = tissue). Occasional tar and stone granulomas(inflamations) , have calicified (become pucca). About the caudothalamic grooves on the left side, its pointless to say anything because our roads have developed so may grooves everywhere. .....
Of course, one is an assesment of a person for dementia, which, not too surprisngly would include interesting abilities like the ability not to remember things, and cognitive difficulties. The other is the description of a real endless malaise affecting the Mumbai roads and therefore, its million hardworking citizens.
Luckily ,( for us, that is, ) Dementia is not based on MRI reports alone. There are many other check ups and evaluations involved, and these will be done. I guess one needs to have a massive road scam, for someone to take the Mumbai Roads MRI report seriously.
I mean Mr Kalmadi is just a bit older than me. I have one of the afflictions (not dementia) , that he has. If a walking,talking, scheming, shoe-dodging person can have such problems , what about me ? An ordinary woman, who still gets confused when asked how many zeros in a crore ?
But I digress. I now have hopes for the Mumbai roads. If they can solve Mr Kalmadi's problems, they can solve Mumbai's road problems.