Thursday, September 12, 2013

Mars Chalo !

Somewhere in August, one read about 8000 Indians registering to go to Mars in 2023. Then on September 10, India became the second ranking country, in the list of top ten, with 12,000 extra folks signing up.

And while it boggles the mind as to why this sudden urge to flee the motherland, the nation tends to celebrate the fact  that with a total signup of 20,000 , we beat   China (13,176), Brazil (10,289), Britain (8,497), Canada (8,241), Russia (8,197), Mexico (7,464), Philippines (4,365) and Spain (3,722) while getting there.

Turns out, that  by 2015, they will select six to ten teams of four people each, for a seven year intensive training, before becoming the first folks to step on to Mars, in 2023.

Word is out, that a  committee appointed by the Indian powers that be , will sift through the Indian applicants , and shortlist folks for the final selection by the Mars One organization that is planning the whole thing.

Reliable sources indicate an internal tussle happening  in the capital, between various entities, to place their people on the selection committee. Three retired supreme court judges, the leaders of the two main parties in Parliament, Chairman, minorities commission, Chairperson, National Commission for Women,  Minister for Coal and Mining, Minister for Telecommunications (7G), Minister for Science, Technology and IT,  Minister for Sports,  have been appointed.

It is learnt that the BCCI is pushing for its own representative there , (in place of Minister of Sports) , since it has plans for the Inter Galactic (IG) Cricket League, to be played on Olympus Mons on Mars.  (80 kilometres across  , with a 3 kilometre drop at the periphery.  Being dropped from the team may take on a new meaning on Mars.) The BCCI , characteristically, is calling it the Indira Gandhi (IG) Cricket League, which makes it an entirely new ballgame on a significantly fixed pitch.

Water has been discovered under the Martian soil, being 5 % by weight at the Martian Equator and 60% by weight at the Arctic poles. It seems iron oxide and silicon oxide are also plentiful in Martian soil, pointing to a future where glass may be manufactured on Mars, and agriculture may be possible. Our unimpeachable sources indicate that there are several dummy candidates put up by leading mining companies, to get licences to mine on mars. Monsanto, which was hitherto lying low after the hue and cry on BT Brinjals and cotton, has again renewed its presence where it counts, realizing that once water is available on Mars, they need to be there to harvest BT crops.

The Martian atmosphere has absolutely no or very little ozone, since it is suspected to have disappeared into space,  making it very difficult for those with an obsession for fair skin  to win vis-a-vis the dangerous UV rays. We can now confirm that certain companies  have renewed their efforts to make an SPF 200 cream, to be used by ladies who have been given a Fair Chance on Mars. Whether they turn out to be Lovely and Beautiful remains to be seen. Fashion designers have withdrawn in a huff after finding out that a great weather day at the Martian equator was like a cold day in Norway, and their complicated outfits with high cuts, deep cuts  and displays of skin would not find any models .

Since there will be special vehicles to be used on Mars, the Municipal Corporation of Greater Mumbai (MCGM)  has unilaterally decided NOT to repair its numerous potholes, and has offered the roads as practice areas to the Mars One Company selected candidates when they start training. The ruling party leader in the MCGM, was reported to have said it was better to aim for Mars than Shanghai, since we have so many similarities, like bad atmosphere, potholed surfaces, and a water distribution problem.   

Our sources have discovered a list of folks whose applications were rejected .

Guys wearing tiger tees , and brandishing flags, who wanted to install statues on Mars.

Folks who insist of creating concrete elephants all over the place and call them parks.

Various folks who started marketing special "Mangal Dabbas" suitable for lugging Fafdas, Theplas , Sev etc on the long trip to Mars. (Buy two dabbas, chutney  dabba and 100 gms chhundo free)

Then there were folks who had expertise in changing zoning rules and wanted to create a special VIP housing enclave on the Olympus Mons. They also had great expertise in creating hill stations by taking over land belonging to others, and planned to create one on the Olympus Mons.

A special delegation of film stars, that wanted a Film City on Mars, to save the expense of stunts, by using one of Mars's moons, where whacking a person could despatch him to the next planet.

A bunch or party faithfuls, who wanted to name the landing pad at Mars, after various Gandhis, but were told that they, the party faithfuls needed some other skill before they could even apply.

Meanwhile,  some TV folks interviewed the common man on the road, to ask who he thought should go to  or be sent to Mars.

By popular demand, it turned out to be our MP's. As the neighborhood household bai said to the bhajiwalla, "if all you have to do to earn a pension after 5 years, is shout, run to the middle of the room, defy the teacher, and then walk out if you don't like it, it is time someone else gets a chance, and these guys need to be sent away to Mars."

Ministers came a close second. It was felt that their obsession with red beacons and throwing weight around, was more suited to the Red planet, where they would also be able to do away with their Z-plus security.

There was also a suggestion to include those who pretended to play God ( eg "as a Ram")  while simultaneously greatly sinning in secret.

Kusumtai, plagued  with astrological problems regarding her daughter of marriageable age, and her Manglik horoscope,  suggested that those making a stink about her daughter's horoscope, should be at the front of the line , amidst those going to Mars.

But the final word comes from one of our leaders who gave grass-routes a new meaning, so to speak.  Interviewed by BNN-ICN, as he sat barechested, sunning  himself in the front lawns of his Lutyen's bungalow in Delhi;  he chewed with great relish, spat into an area to his left, and said, "I am waiting for the time when they will allow cows and fodder on Mars; till then, I am doing fine with secular Alu samosas..."
Breaking News :  

As per latest reports, Bulgarian  hackers have been reported to have hacked the entire list of Indian and Chinese folks in the Mars One list, and Parliament is in an uproar.  

Expectedly, an adjournment is imminent ....

They say, that Mars is now retrograde .  And Venus is having the last laugh....       



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