Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Legislative benefits in the time of Ipads.

Highlighted on Sept 1, 2011 by Global Voices - The world is talking, are you listening?

Our esteemed MP's in Parliament will soon be flaunting free Ipads and Samsung Galaxy tabs.The whole exercise is to enable them to see less of papers and more of screens, pertaining to their work in Parliament .

While I hope that we end up saving millions of trees this way, I can think of several uses of these Ipads.

My heart bleeds for the health problems of so many MP's and MLA's. Which is not to say that I have cardiac problems; but those highlighted in the News, often have to take recourse to chest pains, dizziness, breathlessness, and so on, and the poor fellows have to rush to some ICU in some fancy hospital.

Lately, the variety of ailments has increased, and one hears about certain scam accused folks in jail, claiming attacks of dementia , and then spending inordinate time getting all kinds of checkups and MRI's and scans done. One of the heavily tainted chief ministers of a southern state even had more intriguing symptoms, the morning his bail application was to be heard. He got up in the morning and forgot who he was, and where he was. So he says.

This simply is, what might be called a Transient Random Ischaemic Creative Kick (TRICK) in the Brain...... (Don't Google. I just made this name up :-)....).

And so I think, that the aforementioned Ipads can be put to good use.

Along with the Ipads, I propose that the MPs and Legislators of individual states, be asked to have a whole body profile done , in the form of pathological tests, targeted according to age, and suitable for their life stage. That is, a young MP/MLA in the 30's may have different tests and followups done, than say, someone who in 56 or 79. Suitable corrective action will be taken by the government to normalise abnormal values. All in the interests of their health.

Each MP/MLA would then be asked to carry that information on his IPad, as a mandatory thing. While we ordinary mortals cringe under the costs of medical care and tests, the nation will offer free tests every year to the folks in Legislatures and Parliament. And the information on the IPad will be suitable updated as required. The National Informatics Centre can be asked to have this information password protected, to avoid creative updates and accidental deletions.

And as is clear, this will go a long way towards ensuring a healthy legislature, where sudden trips to the ICCU etc, will be a thing of the past. Hopefully.

However , it is quite possible that certain unrooted maladies as I call them, (which cannot be blamed on medical and pathological history), may simply, at some point, manifest themselves, at the convenience of the MP/Legislator:

- Currency Syndrome : Similar to Stendahl syndrome, (where people surrounded by huge amount of artwork suddenly develop a rapid heartbeat, confusion, dizziness, and hallucinations). This might simply happen, if someone has, in view of several disappointing zeros of performance levels in the family, visions of sudden prosperity, thanks to their position of power.

-Not Mine Syndrome : Similar to the Dr Strangelove or Alien hand syndrome. This is a neurological affliction where one hand behaves independently, and defiantly, regardless of the rest of the body. Like one hand may be righteously saying "no-no" to an attractive deal, and the other hand, on its own, either slips under the table or jingles loudly in the pockets.

-Judgement Day Epilepsy : Similar to something called Mary Hart Epilepsy, where in 1991, a lady called Neale experienced epileptic seizures everytime she heard the voice of a TV host Mary Hart, and had an extremely upset stomach, pressure in the head, and total confusion, making folks brand her as crazy. Situations where a judge might make you feel like that cannot be denied, and simply may be exploited .

Indigestible Truth Syndrome. : This is a flatulence related malady. "Gas related," to those terminologically-disabled. Throughout an actively imbibing political life, many things may be consumed, swallowed and eaten, way out of balance. That results in considerable indigestible stuff inside the bodies, which then suffer from , what we ordinary types, call, "Gas". There are various types of pains that may occur. Pains on the left side of the colon might mimic heart problems, while those on the right side might mimic gallstones or appendicitis. This is something widely used , sometimes to rush into cardiac care units. When all you need is some de-gassing, by medicine or minor procedure.
Just saying.

Aiyyo, Samjha Nahi Syndrome : This is also called the Foreign Accent Syndrome. You don't need to travel anywhere , but this is a known mental malady, where people emerge from brain injuries and comas suddenly speaking differently. Between 1941 and 2009 , 61 such cases have been recorded. Croation people have got up from comas suddenly speaking German. It is possible that in a multi linguistic society such as ours, it may be possible for folks to emerge from bad situations, and even a good night's sleep, suddenly unable to understand a language in which they are being interrogated.

As you can see, between the latest medical history on the Ipads, and a complete briefing of sudden medical conditions indicated above, we may be able to deal fairly effectively, with those that exhibit symptoms at will and claim to be sick.

Building up a database of sick possibilities unrelated to medical histories, but totally related to extracurricular activities , is also a side benefit here.

The nation stands to benefit hugely.

Bring on the Ipads.

Just a cautionary note. When the next round of goodies for MPs and MLAs are announced, make sure the new operating systems can recognize this data.

I mean Apples and Windows are involved. Something called Android (I mistook that for Aandar Aao, stupid me ) it seems is also there.

Whatever comes next, the doctors must know the patients history details , na ?


  1. I love your satire! But, I think it is absolutely brilliant to use iPads. Think of all those trees that will be saved.