Saturday, November 23, 2013

Life and Times of Yogabhai Tabbhai Lenovo...

I have often wondered how language, per se, came into being.  And how the language developed further, with the various words , the nuances, the inflections of voice, the acceptable variations and so on and so forth.

For many many centuries , possibly millenniums, language was restricted to communications amongst humans.

And then we decided to design languages that machines would understand.  Even then , it was English, and so many commands in those languages, matched with what you wanted to do , as understood in English (eg, Move, Add, Store etc etc). Technology moved so fast after that , that in my lifetime, we have moved from a room size mainframe, with punch card input, to PC desktops,  to laptops, to Internet on cell phones and smart watches.

This big tech jump, combined with a massive marketing effort has caused the most outrageous assault on the English  language with random words being used for even more random actions. 

I mean, burn was what happened when fire entered the scene, and not when you wrote things on a CD.  Boot was a hefty footwear, you simply wore for NCC parades, and in winter.  Pasting involved gum. Sometimes pasting was about someone getting a physical punishment.  Audacity was what you displayed when you wanted to defy or shock conservative middle aged folks. Windows were means of ventilation, and stuff you leaned out of. Desktops were where you spilt tea and coffee, displayed photos in frames, and kept 25 pens in pen holders with built-in calendars.  Those prone to crashes were bad car drivers, and your glass crockery. And hanging was related to wasting time with friends, or suspending something from somewhere, (when you were not talking about capital punishment).

Today, tablets are not what you swallow to get well. They are actually small town cousins of the aforementioned laptops.

The English language has now been truly and clearly abused with most words having multiple meanings, none of them using any logic.  I just wish Steve Jobs had invented the Mango instead of the Apple.

But wait. The Lenovo folks have now come up with the Yoga Tablet.  Aum My God !

Contrary to what simple minded types might surmise, this is not a medicine. It is a tablet computer (sometimes combined with a phone facility)  which can assume various Yoga postures .  It boggles the mind as to why then, in keeping with the distinct desi flavors, they haven't used the Pav Bhaji Android OS,   or the  GulabJam Android OS,  and the blindingly white Happydent  types want to know why Bluetooth were favoured over them, when they even offered a flashlight facility free.  And then  they even mention 2G, 3G in connectivity. All these legislative connections. I am so convinced that it is a scam.

You can buy the 8 inch or 10 inch version of this Yoga Tablet, and if you do so before Nov 24, 2013, the Lenovos are giving a bunch of stuff free, like, a sleeve cover, protective film and earphones.   

Aiyyo ! So much like buy a silk Paithani saree, and get a plastic bag, blouse piece and matching earrings free. Never mind.

Mr Shailendra Katyal, Director, Lenovo Consumer Affairs , says " "Technology is a part of who we are, therefore it needs to transition constantly to keep pace with our changing lifestyles. With this intent, we have re-engineered the Tablet from ground-up to offer users a better way to experience the Tablet. We are confident that the Yoga Tablet will redefine the category and set the stage for devices that are in sync with the evolving needs of the consumer.

Never have more truer words been said about there being a #betterway....

They keep making a big song and dance about how it has 3 postures , hold, tilt and stand.   

Now  I know.  While the Lenovo tablet may not be able to bend and touch its knees, or do things like Mayuraasan and  Ushtraasan,  it is amazing to realize how real their re engineering (from the ground up, as he says) is.

The "hold" position, believe it or not, with the amazing cylindrical edge,  is ideally designed to fan yourself in the standing-room-only Mumbai BEST bus, while simultaneously keeping your fake sleepy neighbor on the seat from leaning against you shoulder.  For those who still hanker after the days when Ghungats were supreme,  the Yoga tablet comes to life as a Ghungat with a difference. As you protect yourself with the Tablet Ghunghat , you get to click photos of the person on the other side beyond the ghungat (and then post it on Facebook to warn folks).
The "tilt"  position is a bit dicey.  Once again ,  a messing up of meaning. The tablet doesn't just do a gentle tilt; it actually tends to fall flat, with a part of it a bit raised., just like in Bhujangaasan ;  Yoga Tablet, remember ?

And like in some other aasans, it also assumes a totally horizontal attitude.  Naturally it lends itself to so many multifarious uses.  You use it to place papers on, when you need to urgently write a note to someone.  When friends suddenly land up, and it is bad manners to be caught staring at a screen, the surface provides a special unique spot to keep your plate of bhel which you have just rustled up for all. When you are lying on your stomach, there can be no greater joy, than placing your cheek against a warm screen , and hear a fan whir in your ear , taking you back to your childhood , of someone's warm palm resting on your face, and a whirring fan overhead. Yes the tilt position is dicey, but the secret can now be told.  The Lenovos want to take you back to your childhood.

There is so much Yoga to be performed standing.  And the third speciality position of this tablet is "stand" .  But unlike humans who can do tadaasan, garudaasana , ashwathaasana , Urdhva-Hastottanasana, and assorted stuff, without having anything to lean on, this Yoga tablet, cheats a bit, and has a small kick stand that keeps it standing.  

Come to think of it,  there are so many ideas the Lenovos haven't thought of.  

Like having music and piano scores on sheets replicated on these screens, and instead of keeping a music score sheet on the  piano shelf, you keep the Yoga Tab, and the page gets turned with a tap of the foot  as you continue to make music!   

Like attaching  some loops to one side , maybe the cylindrical side. Wear the Lenovo Yoga Tab as a pendant on some chunky chains.  And in a direct challenge to all those devotees of Bills, Gates ,Windows, and the displayed windows  logo, create technology that shows the outline of a red heart when the Yoga Tab pendant takes its first booting breath .  Beats all designer jewellery hollow.  And if you want to be really smart and defeat the Apple folks, how about personalizing the logo on sensing the wearer's actual heartbeat. All those folks going on and on , about  I-this and I-that, you cant get more "I" than this. 

 If loops make you feel narcissistic, attach some hooks , in the shape of question marks. Hang the tab over the front seat of the car, or bus, as you watch a great video on it from the rear seat .  Thread your trouser belt through the loops and wear it like a smart badge on your trousers. Those with wider waistlines might wear the 10 inch Yoga Tab, while slightly slimmer folks may enjoy the 8 inch Yoga Tab.  

I know you are getting terribly impressed with the things the Lenovo Yoga Tab can do.  But It isn't over yet. Because there is the alarm.

The ideal Yoga Tab would have a 3 level super intelligent alarm.  When you set the alarm for 4 am or 5 am,  you will have a choice of Gayatri Mantra ringing loudly, which if on snooze, will modify itself to "Jago, sone walon  ..."  after 5 minutes.  If you still don't get up, it will remodify to someone yelling and telling you, non stop, that you are going to miss the CST 7:57 am Central Railway doublefast

After that, the Yoga Tab , frustrated, would go into Pranayam Mode.  Buzzing, swearing, petulantly  beeping.   Making you get up. Finally.      

Actually, someone called Amit Ray once said :

Exercises are like prose, whereas yoga is the poetry of movements.

Yes, sometimes the movements could be Lenovically  electronic....

(Submitted as an entry for the Indiblogger-Lenovo Yoga Tablet contest)

1 comment:

  1. Fact! I agree with the change of English language taking shape to what was not in the dictionary (that we learnt decades ago) from freeze to window , etc... Even Yoga sounded different along with the tablet. Imagine Yoga and Tablet in their real meaning relates to health, whereas now it belongs to a technology.
    The ideas you have given to use the tablet is cool and I couldn't help laughing when you said about the "3 level super intelligent alarm". But there is no doubt that Lenovo does looks cool with its appearance.