Saturday, January 30, 2010

Multitudes on the moon

"India has planned the first manned mission to the moon, in 2016. The manned mission will cost 124 billion rupees ($2,676,740,597), and New Delhi has given permission for the mission. The second unmanned project, Chandrayaan-II, will be launched in the first quarter of 2013 - a prelude to the manned space mission. There are also ambitious plans to launch a mission to Mars in 2030."

The Indian Space Research Organisation (ISRO) is also looking at the possibility of setting up a base on the moon; "Chandravihar" a concept mentioned in a pop science book, released by ISRO, introduces the concept of a base being set up on the moon, buzzing with engineers, geologists, astronomers and biologists.

If you find any logic in all this, let me know. Like what purpose is served by spending fortunes, on sending someone to the moon to do something that was done several decades ago by Neil Armstrong. Unless something is happening on the moon that none of us know about.

The United Nations passed a law in 1967, preventing governments from reserving/occupying/claiming places like this in outer space/moon etc. But someone found a loophole, and the Dreamcricket Lunar Cricket Field, has been registered with the Lunar registry. The United Nations never thought private entities would register cricket fields. It also appears, that matinee idol Shahrukh Khan, owner of the IPL Kolkatta Knightriders (cricket) team, is now the dubious owner of a plot on the moon.

And now that going to the moon is officially a full budgeted activity for the nation, I can see how things will get interesting , say by 2020.

Cut. Fast Forward.

According to the latest buzz, Chief Minsiter Mayawati has written to ISRO about including sculptors , in the group of people likely to reside in the Chandravihar. When appraised about the possible relearning of sculpting specific to lunar gravity situations, she mentioned the setting up of the BabaSaheb Ambedkar Gurutwakarshanvirodhi Murti Nigam, where such guys would be trained in gravityless enclosures imported from NASA. She has also emphasized the advantages of sculpting her own statues on the moon, where they would undoubtedly weigh less ( and then she could get some more statues in, say, bordering the dark side of the moon. ).

Reports indicate that the Delhi Cricket Association, hitherto in the docks for messing around with the Delhi Kotla pitch making it unplayable, during the India -Sri-Lanka series, already had secret information on the moon mission and the cricket field there. Headed by various politicians, it is natural for the association to now focus its eyes on controlling the moon stadium, and it is very clear how and why , the Kotla pitch actually resembles the moons surface.

They have also written to ISRO demanding places/seats , for several DCA office bearers in the manned Moon mission. Meanwhile, the International Cricket Council(ICC), which toes the line drawn by the Board of Control for Cricket in India(BCCI), which is populated by many from the Delhi Cricket Association, is obsessed with the job of making new cricket rules for Lunar surfaces.

like Ashish Nehra and Praveen Kumar, not to mention Zaheer Khan are looking forward to hitting huge boundaries with feather-touch gentle sweeps on the moon.

Rumors are rife in Delhi about a secret meeting between Amar Singh, and Lalu Prasad Yadav held in a five star cowshed. They are planning to lead a delegation to President (Smt) P. Vadra for demanding the new state of ChandraPradesh, on the moon. They are rumored to be hiding a report on the moon minerals, prepared by the Bulgarians. Who have actually also sold it, it seems to Madhu Koda and Jayalalitha and S. Pawar.

Amar Singh has lined up several industrialists willing to invest in the new State, with the younger Ambanis offering to set up a state-of-the-gravity Hosiptal. Not to be outdone, the older Ambanis have offered to set up the Chandrapur International University, as they think it's better than setting it up in the Chandrapur that is in Vidarbha. Like Mrs Nita Ambani said , " Mumbai belongs to all, we belong to Maharashtra, but don't want any part of Vidarbha....."!

Lalit Modi, has just announced the 6th auctions for the Interplanetary Premier Cricket League, and along with the players , he is also buying the audience. And Coke, Pepsi and some Champagne companies are fast tracking their research into how to get the bubbly liquid,
on the moon, to fall into the champions mouth, when poured . Of course, the matter concerning cheerleaders is in court, after someone did a practice kick on the moon and was thrown clear out of the stadium. Lots of talk about the skirts of the cheer leaders not staying down on the moon, but the matter is sub-judice, and we need to stop right here.

The Congress party , bending over backwards to appear secular, is planning to send representatives of all religions to the moon in the first trip, so that they may cater to the spiritual requirements of the Indian population on the moon. Various builders in Mumbai are licking their lips in anticipation of doing construction on the moon, because, no one will really come to check the unauthorized floors. Lifts/elevators wont be required, as people can just take a concentrated strong step on a trampoline, to climb into their apartment in a single step. The energy savings are mindbloggling.

Bollywood of course, has imported some rockets from the US , to carry some of their crew for location shooting in the Sea of Tranquility on the moon. Of course the burning question of shooting the heroine's final suicide scene at the Crater Manillus is giving everyone ulcers. Everytime the heroine jumps into the crater, she bounces back out on the other side.

Other problems are being faced by the music directors, as acrobatic dances to fast music are impossible on the lunar surface. One, you wear an oxygen mask, and two, a slight jump, bounces you out of camera range.

A special committee of Parliamentarians, actually on its way to study the implementation of Hindi in the Finland,Greenland and Iceland consulates, will be doing a side trip to what will soon be Chandrapradesh.

They will concentrate on studying the aerodynamics of throws in the legislative domain.

Tumultuous sessions are expected to happen in the ChandraPradesh assembly, and throwing of chairs, microphones, etc and rushing into the well of the chamber, may actually take you and the objects elsewhere.

Our correspondent from the South reports that certain humble farmer ex-PM types, are lining up to push their luck, (read influence) to make the inaugural trip to the ChandraPradesh Vidhan Sabha. Ever since the Bangalore-Mysore highway was constructed 7 years ago, he has been itching to have a proper profane fight . There is of course , intense competition from the Indian Parliament and some of the Assemblies in Bihar, Uttar Pradesh and Chattisgarh, to just name a few.

The sad thing is, that these guys think, they can call anyone anything, and like other things on the moon, the words will hit and rebound far away.

They don't realise, that unlike microphones , chairs, tables, and other items of taxpayer munificence, words are not affected by the lunar gravitation set up, or the lack of it. They reach someone, and stay there. Always.

So be ready to look forward to skirmishes in the Chandra Pradesh Assembly, with a massive wastage of words. With no relevant useful outcome.

But Eureka ! the same keeps happening with our politicians even now, right here.

I have always felt their words had no weight.

Now they themselves will have no weight, idiomatically and physically speaking...

And finally, I am happy to report, that the the contract for construction of roads in Chandra Pradesh , has been unanimously granted to the Mumbai Metropolitan Development Authority(MMRDA), dues to their expertise in unique potholes, as well as their success in simulating the lunar landscape in Mumbai....


  1. this post is totally worthy of the most driest post award !!!!!

    sooooper !! :D

    Finally Bradman can be dwarfed... !!!! lol at the bowlers being able to hit sixes off flicks !!!!

    seriously loved the sarcasm !!

  2. if nobody knows what laughing asana is , they will after reading this post.

  3. Lovely post!

    'I have always felt their words had no weight.
    Now they themselves will have no weight, idiomatically and physically speaking...'


    Let's send all our IPLers as well as our politicians to the moon, India will automatically become a much nicer place!

  4. LOL!!! That was the funniest I have read in a while!!

    The politicians bit was the bestest :)

  5. Oh my you are the cleverest writer I read. And hilarious with it. One day I would lvoe to catch up with you over a long lunch. something tells me I would be alughing out loud through it all. You are gorgeous!!

  6. You a political satirist of the first order. Maybe you could take on some other governments. LOL!

  7. Your blogs make an interesting read . However there is a typical case of how media is being prejudiced and managed and not by the accused but by the accusers.

    I am referring to infamous Madhu Koda and his Rs.4000 cr. Hawala Scam. You may find out how PIL against Madhu Koda accusing him of Rs. 4000 cr. scam may be a bogus proxy lititgation. However the conspirators have managed the media so well and prejudiced the concerned authorities that the accused has been established guilty as charged in the eyes of almost entire country.

    You may find the detailed story at the following blog.

    I am not comfortable divulging my identity at this stage because of the sensitive nature of the information. I am posting this message on this particular post of yours because I would like more people to see the other side of the story.

    And absolutely nothing like you giving your take on what we have to say. Unbiased and exactly how you see it. We are open to any sort of criticism.

    P.I.L. Buster

  8. I love the digs, barbs of sarcasm. It slices the reader but still unhurt. I loved the post.

  9. No wonder the moon was its brightest in a long time...a few days back !! No wonder at all!


  10. The humor is excellent and well deserving, which is the sad part. I can laugh with the post and shake my head at the ridiculous notion of reality...

  11. Hitchwriter Thank you. Looking forward to your stuff on BT-cotton. (Actually, I was including that here, but there was just too much material....will wait for your post)

    Ramblingsbybones Thank you.

    AnroshThank you.

    manju Thank you and your idea of sending people off to the moon is excellent.

    wordsndreamz Thank you.

    Lilly Thank you. And yes, the laughing lunch is a great idea...:-)

    Lou Thank you. But I dont think any government including ours, is paying attention to me. :-(

    PILBusterThank you. Will check out ur site.

    nsiyerThank you.

    Kavi Actually the moon was looking brighter because of the Mumbai Pollution refracting the rays. Though a few days ago I thought I saw Lalit Modi there...:-)

    AletaThank you.

  12. nobody knows what laughing asana is , they will after reading this post.

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