Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Bigg Boss in the service of the Nation

It has occurred to me, an ordinary commoner, disgusted with the handling of corruption in the country, that some innovative solutions need to be looked at. And not all of the solutions, can be found in things like retired justices of Supreme Courts/High Courts, Joint Parliamentary Committees, Interlocutors etc etc.

It has also occurred to me, a stupid commoner, that the best way to nab a corrupt person, is to set another person with corrupt tendencies to catch him/her. Which should make for a very very interesting show given the rules.

The thing to do is to announce a special Bigg Boss season immediately. The rules of the Bigg Boss show allow a special house with many rooms to sit around and yak away, but just very few bedrooms and bathrooms. The rule says you must speak in Hindi, which throws up very interesting possibilities of candidate selection. Since you are not allowed to leave for any reason, and maintain outside contact, this will be more secure than those who sit in various different custodies of the law , police,judicial etc etc. And the best part, is that someone like the High Command, hitherto called the Bigg Boss, appears only as a voice that does individual interviews , asks for opinions , and finally issues its own edicts about who to throw out.

Main contenders for entry into the house would be Suresh Kalmadi, Sheila Dikshit, Sudhhanshu Mittal, Lalu Prasad Yadav, A. Raja of the DMK, Mayawati, Ashok Chavan, his ma-in-law (who he deleted as a relative), Raj Thakre, Jayalalithaa, Uddhav Thakre, Vilasrao Deshmukh, Ex Mumbai commissioner Jairaj Phatak, Sushama Swaraj. Various mothers-in-law, daughters , sons, can be added on later as and how required.

While the insistence on Hindi in the Big Boss house constructed in Panvel, Maharashtra, would make for interesting events with the Thakres inside, It will be interesting to see Kalmadi and Lalu bonding over crunches at the gym inside, with A Raja, urging Jayalailthaa to try the treadmill , and she giving him a distrustful look and checking out the speed setting.

Bathrooms, as per slightly older political history have often served as places to store the loot in secret compartments in the walls. Given the paucity of bathrooms in the Bigg Boss house, interesting conclusions can be reached by timing everyone's usage of the same, and the conditions of the walls.

While Sheila Dikshit, Sushama Swaraj, might bond at the kitchen counter , it would be interesting to see if Mayawati agrees to the Manuvadi idlis that JayaLalithaa might prepare. A Raja, uncharacteristically , a bit careful after his resignation, might watch Mayawati for any ill effects of the idli, before trying some himself, simply out of a sense of homesickness, though the possibilities of him enjoying Lucknow cuisine with Sheila Dikshit cannot be denied.

Lalu will be found sitting out in the sunniest part of the house, bare chested , feet up, on a chair, chewing away on his thoughts, as he tries to impress upon Suresh Kalmadi the need to include his son and heir Tejaswi Yadav in the Indian Olympic Committee, so he can learn from the bosses. Every time one of the Thakres ambles by , he will smile and wave, while spouting invective about communal forces. Ashok Chavan's mother-in-law will try and inch closer to Sudhanshu Mittal , thinking that only a tent supplier can now provide her a roof over her head, so cruelly denied to her , by fellows like Vilasrao Deshmukh, out to get her son-in-law, Ashok.

Since no outside contact is allowed, it will illuminating to see how the inmates appear to outsiders watching the serial. Possibilities of hundreds of Bihar and UP politicians watching for secret signs from their leaders cannot be denied. Something like, a scratching of the knee and spitting to the right by Lalu Prasad being a sign that folks needed to look in the lowest shelf of the cupboard to the right of the party office door in Patna. Or Kalmadi , waving his hands around to signify a helicopter, something to be kept ready for escape once he is out. A Raja, depressed at being away from his Relia-ble cronies, will be seen ensconced in a deep sofa, as if twice the gravitational force , 2G was in operation, and wondering if he got out just in time before 3G started acting.

Raj Thakre will practice his speeches in Marathi, with only Uddhav , Kalmadi, Ashok Chavan, Vilasrao Deshmukh and Jairaj Phatak for audience, since the rest won't understand. Mayawati will try and attend , in her effort to learn Marathi , and woo the Marathi Manoos in the next election.

The Big Boss , will actually be a lady. Aloof, up there, and with informers amongst the inmates. She will interview each inmate to get his or her opinion about the others, so that they can decide who and how many to evict. At the end of the day, she will listen to her "own conscience", pull some wool over her own eyes, and reach her conclusions with the help of her son, who has sneaked in as part of her security.

The nice thing is that all the hitherto corrupt types will be together in custody , keeping a keen eye on each other, and watched at all times by the nation, in the Bigg Boss house. They will eventually expose each other. And instead of spending on the various committees & investigations, you will actually have sponsors falling over each other to pay for this broadcast. As Obama is fond of saying, a win-win solution.

In the meanwhile, latest reports have indicated that Pamela Anderson of Hollywood and Baywatch fame, (where she does a 100 metre sprint into the ocean clad in a swimsuit of uneven proportions, chased by lifeguards) , was seen entering Bigg Boss house .

Sushama Swaraj was seen pursing her lips and shaking her head, Sheila Dikshit closed her eyes, Mayawati stood still as a statue, and while Lalu, Raja, the Thakres, the ex chief ministers, Suddhnashu Mittal, and the ex mumbai commisioner stood open mouthed and staring, Jayalalithaa was seen removing her voluminous cape, and rushing to cover Pamela Anderson with it.....

Further news is awaited...

Edited to add : I dont watch this show, and have simply observed it in the process of surfing channels. But Wikipedia mentions all the rules. While the recent government (nov 17th) rule about not broadcasting it in prime time, and relegating it to 11 pm slots is very welcome, in the above situation, it will simply serve to keep all the worthies out of public view : a typical quick way to get the stuff out of the public's what's new ...?


  1. Hahahahaha, wish I could mail this awesome blog post to Arnab Goswami and Barkha Dutt!

  2. This was a complete riot.. loved it :-)

  3. :)

    But I definitely want Yediyurappa there. Looks like he is beating everyone to reach the top spot of the most corrupt, careless, arrogant, useless politician

  4. A BigBoss I would love to watch. Who knows if you work on the script, you may have producers at your door!

  5. The BigBoss is a big flop show at home. We shun it like nobodys business !!

    But yet, we are constantly updated by conversations at work and elsewhere !

  6. Suranga as big boss would be the right task master for these politicians !

  7. I have no clue about the real Big Boss (no cable TV or newspaper service at home). What you've written here is quite likely to happen, albeit with out-of-work politicians. I would enjoy it immensely if you were the lady big boss :)

  8. Fabulous write... :) Thanks for sharing this link Ritu...

  9. hahahaha..though i do not watch big boss myself i did enjoy this post thoroughly :D :D
    kiti mast sagle imagine kela ahe :D :D

  10. The majority of this I do not understand.
    Guess because I live in the woods. No paper or TV just clean the woods with the camera around my neck and type away on the computer so my granchildren will know their grandmother.
    I do know - you are so very talented and super intelligent :) I enjoy reading what you post.

  11. What a great idea! Set a thief to catch a thief? :D

  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

  13. And in full public view! :)

  14. brilliant brilliant piece I recomend u as the big boss :D

  15. Love it Love it! Now you have to watch the show!

  16. I wish i wish I WIshhhhhhhhhhhhh and pray this happennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnsssssssssss

    lets all get together and make it happen he he hehe

    what a idea jiiiiiiiiiiiiii

  17. maybe we can hear this LIVE :)

    Mayawati went to Laloo's house with a goat:-
    Laloo- " bhainswa ko kyun layi ho ?".
    Mayawati- " dikhta nahi goatwa hai? "

    Laloo- " hum goatwa se pooch raha hun". :0

  18. This was hilarious! Haven't laughed so hysterically in a long time :)

    A laugh-riot of a post!

  19. Anything is possible .. actually it happens in the house we all call 'Parliament' - except for cooking food - I believe!

  20. If the BigBoss organisers read this - we have some interesting times ahead.

  21. The header looks beautiful!!

  22. Ritu Thank you. But Barkha ? I am not a fan of Radia-l publicity...

    Dipali Thank you...

    Shail Thank you

    Writerzblock Thank you ...

    Shilpa Well, maybe we can have Yeddy in the next season, along with some Bank types, and Karunanidhi...

    Radha I'd love to watch too. ...

    Kavi Nobody watches it here too. But it is all over the papers and stuff. ....

    HW, Arundhati I guess I should start by learning everyones names first, possibly spoken in several languages. And the corner tailor is doing my costumes free.

    serenely rapt Thank you...

    Quaintkal Thank you

    Ernestine Thank you

    Manju Thank you

    Monu Thank you..

    Another kiran Thank you. And wild horses coudnt get me to watch this show ....

    Bikramjit Thank you. And the Lalu-Mayawati stuff is out of this world....:-)

    Raksha Thank you...

    Deeps Thank you

    Aativas Who knows what else they cook there ?

    IHM Thank you. But the Big Boss types only see, they never read. Glad you like the header...

  23. Fabulous, simply fabulous.

  24. ROFL! Please add Julian Asange to the people. I have often wondered what would happen if he entered the house. Good one!

    1. Ritu, Thank you ! And Julian Assange is just what was needed ....foreign hand and all that !

  25. Superb post, and just what the country needs. My only suggestion is that once the inmates of Big Boss enter the fortress, they should be imprisoned there forever.

    1. Cynthia, thank you; and what an excellent suggestion !